Ron Tunning [07/31/2002]

By Ron Tunning

Getting a job in the Mount Washington Valley is a relatively easy process, with literally scores of businesses hiring every day. Granted, not many offer what one could consider a living wage, but then who has time to live when working 70 hours per week?Much more difficult than locating employment is finding an affordable place to catch up on sleep so that one has the energy for 70 hour work-weeks. Having spent months looking at apartments in the area Ive grown weary of the search and was almost resigned to pitching a tent in Schouler Park in protest. That was until the selectmen voted unanimously to ban smoking in the great outdoors, or at least in that portion of the outdoors inviting to city folk like me.If it were not for the fact that Ive been imbued with an abiding, if somewhat perverse sense of humor, Im afraid I would have lost my temper on a number of those occasions when Ive taken the time to tour an apartment. Tour really isnt an accurate description of the experience, for most of the spaces being offered would fit into my walk-in closet back in Kentucky, not to mention that no one here appreciates the importance of a front porch to accommodate that old sofa too cumbersome to haul to the Transfer Station.Now I know that New Englanders are a hearty lot, given over to the notion that creature comforts are the wages of sin. But having lived and sinned for over a half-century, Ive come to terms with the likelihood that Ill be doing a lot of negotiating, and probably a few centuries in purgatory before Im permitted to pass through the pearly gates. Its a price Im willing to pay for the convenience of a dishwasher and the pleasant relief of air-conditioning. Call me crazy, but heat is also atop my list of essentials, my fingers far less dexterous on the keyboard when gloved. Nothing excessive, mind you, but a temperature reading adequate to prevent icing in the commode doesnt seem unreasonable to me. And as much as I can appreciate frugality, Im not the least bit inclined to chop down a couple of trees for fuel.Nor do I intend to schlep my laundry down to the Saco and beat it on the rocks. Im not sure when local landlords last read a Sears advertisement, but Ill clue them in. There are these wonderful contraptions called washing machines, into which one can load ones dirty laundry, add a bit of detergent, perhaps a cup of bleach, turn a knob to start, and shazam! - in less than an hour the clothes are cleaned and ready to be deposited into another fabulous invention, the automatic clothes dryer!For busy real estate tycoons accustomed to having a family of illegal immigrants take care of such mundane chores as laundry, its understandable that such pedestrian appliances have evaded their radar screens. But even Imelda Marcos and Leona Helmsley appreciated the necessity of closets, and few local tycoons can claim to be more pampered than those grand dames of extravagance.A modicum of space hidden behind a door should be compulsory, prominently etched into local building codes. This is not so much because working stiffs possess an extensive wardrobe, but because closets are so suitable for hiding the clutter and debris that cant be swept under the carpet - like ironing boards, laundry baskets, vacuum cleaners and unused ashtrays. Not, I should add, that many of the apartments Ive viewed locally come with carpeting that isnt already saturated with years of accumulated detritus. Its pretty clear that New Hampshire landlords take literally the claims that carpet will last a lifetime, with or without a vacuum cleaner.Most annoying of all, however, is the discrimination against smokers. It isnt enough that Im paying sufficient tobacco taxes to fund the widening of Route 16, or that finding a place in public to smoke a cigarette takes months of scouring the countryside and a willingness to forego visits to parks and recreation areas. No, here in the Live Free or Die state one is precluded from smoking in ones own home.Even though Ive watched glumly as the value of my 401K has plummeted in apparent synchronization with the demise of corporate integrity, I do see a potential benefit arising from the collapse of the stock market. With any luck at all, perhaps well see a full-fledged recession result, which will alter the tune of local landlords.Instead of posing arrogantly at the door with a list of potential tenants and subjecting renters to a vetting process that would shame the C.I.A., landlords would actually greet tenants as customers.And rather than raising monthly rents at $100 or $200 per crack, even for the dreariest apartments, landlords would be satisfied with a five percent annual increase.Being a somewhat responsible adult, Im not about to lease an apartment for an amount that exceeds 25 to 30 percent of my income, nor am I willing to call home a cramped and poorly maintained hovel that Id be embarrassed to have my mother visit. Besides, Im not going to devote my life to working so that some smarmy landlord can retire early.If, however, youre a rather decent sort with a comfortable flat to rent for an amount that doesnt necessitate my taking in a hoard of boarders, and really couldnt care less if Im puffing my life away, and dont mind the scrutiny that comes with having a newspaper reporter lounging about, give me a call. Even more appreciated would be an offer from some out-of-town property owner desiring a tidy, responsible and sober, if somewhat curmudgeonly housesitter. Not surprisingly, living free sounds mighty good to me.Be assured that not only do I arrive sans pets and children, but Ive been groomed to wipe my feet at the door and to clean and empty my ashtrays on a nightly basis, so providing a housekeeper is not a requirement to attract my interest.For more information please feel free to telephone me here at the Daily Sun at 603-356-3456, or contact me via e-mail at ron@mountwashingtonvalley.com or if it would be more convenient, just drop the keys at the front desk downstairs.