George Epstein: Shame Shortage

Society has created a variety of approaches to manage human interaction. They range in degree from manners (don’t chew with your mouth open) to laws. Punishment for violating our mores also vary widely — from a parent sighing softly at our eating habits to death by lethal injection. We vary in our views of what is deserving of these punishments. People who start their leaf blowers before 9 a.m. or who leave outdoor lights on all night when I want to see the stars would suffer under a society I controlled. Brooklyn apartment dwellers hate having to wade through crowds lined up at popular bakeries as they come out their front doors. Perhaps there is a Swiss grump who believes all cuckoo clocks should be silenced. But to make society work, to minimize violence, to make life safer and pleasanter, all societies rely on rules of behavior.

American society has become rougher, cruder and less civil due to one particular failing. We have lost our capacity to feel shame. Shame comes from internalizing society’s rules. As children, we learn most of what we need to know about right and wrong so that as adults, we don’t need those around us to punish us when we do wrong. We usually do the right thing, not because we fear consequences, but simply because we prefer to do the right thing. And because we would feel shame if we acted badly.