Quddus Z. Snyder: Justin and Kate

Ever feel like Gulliver traveling around in strange lands where horses rule over men and Taco Bell offers $1,000 sign-on bonuses? The world has gone mad and its not just me. We have a crippling labor shortage here in the valley and I have several highly sophisticated explanatory theories that even the piercing and slightly grumpy skeptic Mr. Marvel may reluctantly laud, but I will not share them at this exact moment because Eaton’s proverbial barn is on fire. Friends, this is an all hands on deck moment: we’re about to lose our beloved shopkeepers, Justin and Kate. I am panicking!

Highbrow Jackson socialites have grown tired of the world’s tiniest violin playing pitiful tunes down here at the valley’s southern end — no Confederate nor Callis flags up north in Jackson, I know. But before you hoity-toity North Country snobs scoff and stuff yet another Daily Scum into the wood fire, know that I have seen your massive J-Town Deli home-made “We Are Hiring” bedsheet. You see, your problem is entirely manageable because you can just stomp on down to the Muddy Moose and recruit some lackey who has grown tired of chopping iceberg lettuce on the prep line. The Eaton Village Store, being the finest in North America, a regal institution in a league of its own, is an entirely different unicorn.