May Chuck Norris be with you all

By Aaron P. Kasprak

Well, it was 59 years ago today that perhaps the most important man in history graduated from high school. This man is believed to have the cure to cancer in his teardrops, brush his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover and wood-grain alcohol, and be the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. The mannay, the immortal being I am speaking of is none other than Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is known for his incredibly awesome roundhouse kicks, his autobiographical show Walker, Texas Ranger and his workout machine, the Total Gym. However, aside from being the most feared man in the universe, Chuck Norris is also a prophet. Chuck Norris, during an interview in 1979, prophesied that the class of 2007 would be the greatest class of all timein particular, the class from Fryeburg Academy. When I saw this on the Internet, I was stunned; however, I couldnt find an argument against it. My class of 2007 is the greatest class that has ever and will ever graduate.Upon viewing my class that surrounds me, we look like a pretty awesome class. Yet, as you look closer and realize who we are composed of, you quickly recognize that each of us in about five years will have already made our first million and will drive a Dodge Stratusbecause thats what Chuck Norris drives. Think about it, sitting before you today is Jacob Marquis. This young lad can only appear to be extremely blushed as only the blood that Chuck Norris spills is redder than his cheekswhich is what could make Jacob the second coming of Bozo the Clown if he so chooses to be a clown. My class also has Kendyl Sullivan, or should I say Kendy-Wendy, as Connor Patterson so endearingly calls her. Kendyl Sullivan and Conner Patterson have the longest-lasting relationship ever, since Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake broke up. Plus my class has Trung Nguyen. To put it simply, Trung will be smarter than Einstein upon her 20th birthday; that is a fact.Another incredibly awesome person that makes my class awesome is Ferg. At the age of 3, Ferg taught himself both the alphabet and how to play Bob Marleys Buffalo Soldier on the guitar. We also have Justin Peter Mead. Jay is built like an ox, and if he were to spend several years in a Tibetan monastery and take classes under the guidance of Mr. Miyagi, he could possibly become the next Chuck Norrisbut only if Chuck Norris could put the Highlander code aside. There can only be one.But perhaps what makes our class so much better than any previous and future class is, without a doubt, Big Nate. There have been some rumors circulating among the freshmen that speculate if Big Nates name is really Big Nate. To put an end to those rumors, yes, on his birth certificate appears Big Nate and nothing else. You my boy, Big Nate. However, my class wouldnt have been able to develop into the most awesome class ever without the help of the teachers here at the academy. Inside this hallowed building are some pretty great teachers. There is Ms. Garrett, who can compute calculus functions quicker than a calculator. There is also Mrs. Johnson, who, if her enthusiasm for teaching were rated on a scale of 10, and was judged on how short she is, she would easily rock a 10. I love you, Mrs. Johnson. We also have Mr. Jones. Now, Mr. Jones doesnt teach ethics to just his class, but rather the entire upper wing of Chase Hall, as he might be the only teacher to have ever reached 120 decibels while conducting a discussion about Hegels master-slave dialectic. Plus, there is Mr. Stroller. Mr. Stroller is the only man aside from Chuck Norris who can wing a Frisbee across the town of Brownfield. These teachers are among many of the great teachers here at the academy.So as my class of 2007 sits before all of you today, try to take in all that is awesome as today culminates the end and beginning of our lives. This is the very last time that my fellow classmates and I will ever be together as a whole, which is very sad. However, from this day forward, we will turn the page onto a new chapter that looks to be just as, if not more, promising than the past 18 years have beenor in Kendyls place, the past 12 years have been. Think about it; very shortly Jake Pingree, Clint Davenport and Jeremiah Miller will assume hero status as they venture abroad to fight for our country. If their courageousness and nobility could be personified, it would obviously be Chuck Norris.So my advice for my class of 2007 is to let all of your sadness out within the next couple of hours and look toward the bright future with confidence and a youthful zeal, because change is for certain but the result is up to you. And now that I think about it, this wont be the last time our class will assemble. Rather we will be having the greatest time tonight at the Pirate Party, courtesy of Charlie Davis. However, tonight I wont be called Aaron Kasprak, but rather Pirate Finn the Well-Tanned, as that is my pirate name. So good luck the greatest class of all time, and see you all tonight!