The Chernobyl of parenting [10/08/2005]

By Christine Kurtz-White

Recently, M&M came across a commentary by Dave Barry, who has made a reputation and a living out of being wickedly funny. He writes, lectures and even had his own TV sitcom a few years ago. The latter activity apparently did not catch on well enough to guarantee it a permanent spot in the lineup of family-oriented shows that have captured the publics interest and support in recent years. Overall, he is perhaps one of the funniest commentators around on family life and its happenings that M&M has tracked. Actually, she thinks he is a genius who tickles the publics funny bone regularly without any pretense to being superior, just being Dave Barry, humorist.The title of this column, taken from the commentary, "Babies and Restaurants are the Chernobyl of Parenting could not have been more accurate, especially if you are parents who have challenged restaurant owners and their guests by taking even ONE baby to dinner. Try it with THREE babies (one in a carrying basket, two toddlers 14 months apart).Mr. Barrys opening remarks lead you right into his opining why new parents especially decide to take their babies to restaurants. Why? Because, As new parents, you are experiencing a magical period of wonder, joy and possibility that has made you really stupid. You are not alone: All new parents undergo a sharp drop in intelligence, he says. Its natures way of enabling them to form an emotional bond with a tiny human who relates to other humans exclusively by spitting up on them.Believe M&M: There will come a time when either you or your spouse will say these words: Lets take the baby to a restaurant!And Mr. Barrys retort is, Now, to a normal, sane person, this statement is absurd. Its like saying, Lets take a moose to the opera!Now, M&M knows that she did a column on taking children to dinner some time back. This was when three of her children were at a fairly reasonable age and were accustomed to eating in high-end restaurants. But, on the occasion that she chronicled, it was at the end of a long day in New York City. The children were tired and irritable, as were the parents, and the famed pianist who was playing during the dinner hour was the primary reason they were there. Need she add any more? In truth, it turned into a humiliating nightmare.But, getting back to taking THREE babies out to dinner one in a basket, two toddlers only 14 months apart she cannot emphasize enough how much trouble she and their father were courting. Dave Barry wrote about ONE baby; here we are talking about THREE. In fact, their behavior anticipated the Helpful Tips For Dining Out With A Baby that Barry set forth in this later column.Because M&M and her hubby had taken these babies out to dinner on many occasions, they had become veterans (admittedly battled-scarred) at this maneuver. First of all, they had learned that they were reasonably welcome at several different restaurants, even after some episodes that were not altogether pleasant. On reflection, M&M recalls that her dinner partner in crime asked for the check the instant that the order was made, including a generous tip for the server. This enabled us to made a speedy departure when one or all three babies scream or decide to grunt out an impossibly large output such that you experience a dreaded condition known to diaper scientists as Projectile Huggies Leakage (PHL).They found that the key to being welcomed back was to alternate the times they dined at various restaurants, hoping that their absence erased the memory of flare-ups or that the restaurant had changed hands or that there had been a turnover in staff.They always requested a table in a location that would not disturb other diners. Barrys suggestion in regard to an elegant restaurant in New York City: You should try to get a table on the roof. Or, better still, at a Bobs Big Boy in Cleveland.Select an appropriate cuisine. "The best kind for a parent of a small baby," says Barry. is a cuisine that you can eat with one hand. You, of course, need the other hand to keep putting things in the babys mouth so your baby can spit them out. (A baby is not happy unless it is emitting something from somewhere).Any suggestions M&Ms readers might have on this highly sensitive subject, please contact her via her email at kurtzwhite@adelphia.net.