Manners and More: When to correct others' kids

By Christine Kurtz-White

Recently, M&M found herself in a difficult situation: She was chatting with a friend whose 16-year-old-daughter displayed a lack of consideration, not only for her parent but for M&M. She kept interrupting their conversation, literally pulling on her father, arguing with his denial of her request to do something, possibly allowing her to spend time with a friend, threatening to call her mother and, generally, just being plain rude. M&M was appalled at the young womans behavior and she is a young woman at her age, no longer a child who might have been excused for such acting out, although M&M would have questioned it in her grandchildren who are much younger.The father was becoming exasperated and M&M tried to smooth over the situation, not saying anything but smiling with understanding. As his daughters assaults became even more unpleasant, M&M made a decision that, in hindsight, she may live to regret. She spoke pleasantly and evenly to the girl commenting on her lack of consideration for her father and, yes, even for M&M. She suggested that, if the girl were going to continue in this manner, possibly do it later, privately, with her father.The only response from the girl was a kind of falling back, emotionally and physically, but only for the moment. When she regained her battle position for lack of more accurate phrasing she continued her badgering. With that, M&M excused herself and left the situation.By all accounts, this young woman has displayed maturity and good judgment as she has progressed through the difficult teenage years. She is smart, talented and ambitious all good traits that portend an ultimately well-rounded, considerate adult. Her mother has been dealing with some health problems lately, so that possibly could be igniting her dissatisfaction with her current status. Having raised five strong-minded young individuals, M&Ms experience with each one was compounded by their attitudes and behavior during years 13 to 17: If, together, she and they survived those years, they could handle anything life handed them. And they did make it!As she reviewed her own behavior with the current miscreant, she concluded that, possibly, the girl was challenging M&M as well as her father. M&M tried to soften her observations, but she did feel compelled to comment and even conclude that perhaps her compassion, after all, was also being sought.M&M recalls that her children were well-mannered, but sometimes when their friends came for play dates, she was treated to behavior that would rival that in the animal kingdom. And the question she responded to was: Must you go along to get along? Absolutely not. You dont want to be known as the mean mom," but you can establish guidelines for whats acceptable behavior in your own home. And that includes table manners, picking up toys, treating furniture, toys and belongings with respect, observing curfews, curbing bad language.Elizabeth Post, step-great granddaughter of Emily herself, urges: Dont try to teach manners to your young guests that is their parents responsibility but you have the right to set expectations for behavior in your own household, whether its using utensils or choosing G-rated movies.Also, in reference to M&Ms distress over the incident with the young woman and her father, If the childs parents are present and dont say or do anything about rude behavior, its best to hold your tongue. If you feel compelled to say something, say it pleasantly: I really dont appreciate the way youre speaking to me. Could you use a nicer tone? Model the manners that he should be using.So, ultimately, M&M may suffer for her intervention with the girl but she must interject once more her response to being criticized for doing it: Somehow, she felt that the girl was appealing to Ms. Manners. Of course, she could be wrong and, if so, she will accept that accusation with grace.M&M would like to hear her readers opinions on this specific situation!Christine Kurtz-White can be reached at kurtzwhite@adelphia.net.