To the editor:
We all know about these “bear break-ins” across the northern parts of the valley. Cars and houses getting broken into and stolen from by apparent “bears.” But after extensive research, I am confident that these break-ins are actually the presence of the Sasquatch being covered up by Fish and Game.
But why do I think this? You see, when the bear first broke into Spruce Mountain, they set up traps to catch it, and caught it the next day. But soon after, another break-in was reported at Spruce. There is no way two bears thought to do the exact same thing two times in a row. The trap was just a decoy so that the public would not notice. Sasquatch are very smart creatures, they won’t fall into a trap.
Although some may not realize, Sasquatch are native to this area. With forests similar to the Pacific Northwest, the Northeast creates excellent habitat for Bigfoot. After much human intervention, supplies are becoming scarce and bigfoot is resorting to invading homes and vehicles.
I still cannot understand why people think bears could so easily open the car doors. They don’t have opposable thumbs. The Sasquatch, on the other hand, does, allowing him to open doors like humans. Bears have claws, which would scratch car paint easily. But these cars just have dirt on them. That is because Sasquatch are more precise than creatures such as bear.
With all of this evidence compiled, it is glaringly obvious that Bigfoot is the culprit of these attacks. Keep that in mind, and use caution while adventuring in the mountains. Always be ready to defend yourself and lock those car doors.
Appreciation goes to Bigfoot expert Peter Caine for research help and Darren Piotrow for writing help.