Spring is here. Groggy natives are emerging from winter hibernation and awkwardly relearning basic social skills. Garages are being cleaned. Pagan symbols of fertility — rabbits and eggs — are celebrated. Sap is running. Love is everywhere. And most importantly, the much anticipated annual State of Eaton Report is in.

Bored citizens in less prestigious townships across the nation all want to know one thing: what on earth is happening in Eaton? To satisfy their rabid thirst for drama, rivaled only by the thunderous throngs of Rome’s colosseum, the State of Eaton Report was born, delivered here in the Sun’s column-sseum.

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