I’ve got bad news for you, Matt Mowers: I think you’re a scoundrel. You’ve got as much of a chance with Granite State voters as Lloyd Christmas had with Mary Swanson in the movie “Dumb and Dumber.” Can you totally redeem yourself? I’d put your odds at one in a million.

My team has perused your campaign website, and one of the main issue areas that you focus on is “Election Integrity.” This is total bull-crap. As a bottom of the barrel addition to the Trump administration, you are guilty by association in his corrupt effort to overturn the will of the American people. Second, you are directly implicated in voter fraud yourself: with an absentee ballot you voted in the state of New Hampshire. In person, you also voted in New Jersey, using your mother’s address to register (for Christ’s sake).

Mow-dawg, I think it’s time for you to move out of your mom’s basement, bro. Maybe you’ve got a side hustle in New Jersey mowing your mom’s lawn and our housing crisis left you with fewer options? No judgment there. But, you need to pick a state if you want to be taken seriously by New Hampshire voters who at this point have very little reason to take you seriously.

Of course, you’re not the only Trump administration official to have committed voter fraud. Chief of Staff Mark Meadows purchased a laughable shanty in the boondocks of North Carolina. He never spent a single night there, but cast his vote in that hillbilly state using a vacant redneck trailer as his primary residence. He was recently removed from North Carolina voter rolls. As a Garden State flower boy, should we remove you from Granite State voter rolls, too?

Step I in the process of totally redeeming yourself: explain to the Sun’s astute readers which state you actually live in, why you voted twice, why Mark Meadows voted in North Carolina, and where you stand on Trump’s baseless allegations of widespread voter fraud? And your response better begin with the words, “I apologize…” After that, we can get down to business.

The Associated Press reports that several registered Republicans in Florida’s upscale Villages retirement community committed voter fraud. These elderly delinquents are now required to do community service and take an adult civics class. Step II in the process of totally redeeming yourself: do some community service and take a civics class here in Eaton Center.

We’ll start with community service. I’ve never met a man, woman or gender-fluid “they-person” from New Jersey who actually knew how to stack cordwood and shovel cow manure, but I’ve met several that can peddle a wooden oxcart load of bull-crap. First, some basic wood stacking. If the stack is acceptably straight, plumb and sound, you’ll graduate to dung shoveling down at my uncle’s — he’s got a dozen Fryeburg Fair prize winning cows. And if your shoulders prove to be broad, which I expect they won’t, we’ll move on to the academic side.

Fortunately, I am qualified to teach this subject as well. In a former life, I instructed spoiled brats like you at various universities. My student evaluation scores always outperformed departmental and university averages, with comments saying things like “best class I ever took,” “Dr. Q is hilarious,” and “super hot.” So, I understand the special learning needs of a lower-case fraternity bro who still lives in his mother’s basement. In this class, you’ll learn about American democracy, the structure of government, and political ethics (starting with Plato, and not Play-Doh).

Upon completing this civic education class, you’ll be asked to take a basic written test (with a few merciful free-be questions of extra credit thrown in). I don’t have time to grade exams, so I’ll mail this one over to my esteemed colleague, Bill Marvel. He’s not your run of the mill comic strip villain; nay, he’s a real-deal, lib-devouring, gender certain He-Man, Master of the Educational Universe (just ask the recently felled Joe no longer Smirkin’ Lentini).

Assuming that you actually pass that test… (for Christ’s sake.)

Here’s the problem Mowser, you’re just like Massachusetts fraternity brother Corey “one-eye Cobra” Lewandowski — another self-debasing brown-nosed Mar-a-Lago groom of the stool. You’ve got what it takes to empty Trump’s chamber pot and attend to his undergarment hygiene, but not what it takes to represent us.

My strong intuition is that you’re a Jersey shore slick-Joey using our voters as a career stepping stone. But you’ve got a big problem: independents decide our elections and we’re not as dumb as you suppose. Perhaps you’ll have better luck selling “Mowers shower rings” in your home state off of Exit 12 of the Jersey Turnpike.

Quddus Snyder lives in Eaton.

(1) comment

MEPD Ret

So, once again, I’ve distilled Q’s editorial musings down to the same single-minded theme; His disdain for all things Trump, Republicans in general, and rural “red-neck” folk. He even managed to sneak in a jab at Bill Marvel.

Of course, as usual, he was able to steer the conversation toward himself, his lauded Ph.D., and his self-proclaimed intellectual prowess.

But here’s the thing; It’s one thing to have to tolerate Q’s past postings during the Election in the Op/Ed section but I can’t understand how the CDS decided to pick him up as a regular contributor. He seems to regularly violate a few of their simple editorial rules:

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist, or sexually oriented language.

Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.

Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.

Be Nice. No racism, sexism, or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.

Just from this latest submission we have:

“…you’re a scoundrel.”

“This is total bull-crap”

“...bottom of the barrel Trump administration, you are guilty by association…”

“(for Christ’s sake)”

“I think it’s time for you to move out of your mom’s basement, bro.”

“Of course, you’re not the only Trump administration official to have committed voter fraud.”

“Chief of Staff Mark Meadows purchased a laughable shanty in the boondocks of North Carolina. He never spent a single night there, but cast his vote in that

“...hillbilly state using a vacant redneck trailer…”

“Trump’s baseless allegations of widespread voter fraud?”

“...but I’ve met several [Garden Staters] ] that can peddle a wooden oxcart load of bull-crap.”

“Assuming that you actually pass that test… (for Christ’s sake.)”

“...Corey “one-eye Cobra” Lewandowski — another self-debasing brown-nosed Mar-a-Lago groom of the stool.”

“You’ve got what it takes to empty Trump’s chamber pot and attend to his undergarment hygiene…”

It’s always the same predictable, formulaic, tripe; Trump supporters specifically, and Republicans, in general, are horrible, racist, irredeemable beings. Rural country folk are nothing but ignorant, uneducated, redneck bumpkins. And finally, Q is a superior, intellectual giant. At least in his own mind.

Welcome to the discussion.

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