Manners and More: Take responsibility for yourself [12/03/2005]

By Christine Kurtz-White

Now, pulling away from M&Ms extended commentary on toxic people, she wants to treat a lighter topic, although one just as important. With that statement, shes fairly certain that she heard a sigh of relief from her readers because toxicity between people is unpleasant and, actually, difficult to nail down. And, as everyone is often cautioned, focusing on negativity in relationships can close peoples minds to seeking more compatible ways of dealing with one another.More than ever, social skills today matter on the job. Says Tiziana Casciaro, a professor at Harvard Business School, How we value competence changes depending on whether we like someone or not. She goes on, Its hard to underestimate the impact of social skills on your career. In fact, across the board, in a wide variety of businesses, people would rather work with someone who is likable and incompetent than with someone who is skilled and obnoxious.M&M recalls her first real job in the world of business. She was hired as the First Woman Management Trainee in this large business. Being anointed with such a heavy-duty job description only served to aid and abet her self-consciousness and, at times, what she considered awkwardness, in carrying out her duties. She often wondered if she was really destined to be successful in her new career.It was a savings and loan association, the largest in the country; and when she started working, it was at the dawn of computers, high rates of interest and the unbounded growth of the savings and loan industry. The company was at the starting line to sprint to success in an inflated economy which demanded that business as well as people skills were finely honed. Not long after her start date, M&M realized that her wardrobe was inadequate and not businesslike, so she proceeded to enhance and expand it.One dress that she selected was a stunning and simple design, its singular distinction being its bright orange color. She felt great in it and the first day she wore it was the day that a 6 percent certificate (imagine 6 percent!) was issued in a small folder that was exactly the color of her dress. The manager of the branch was in the middle of speaking to his staff all lined up in front of him when he asked M&M to step out of line because everyone was paying attention to her 6 percent Certificate dress! He congratulated her on her prescience in selecting that color to wear at the introduction of the orange-clad 6 percent certificate! With that, he led the staff in applause! M&M was a bit embarrassed for all the attention, but walked out of that meeting, head held high realizing that she had made many inroads in establishing herself and her position. And, most important of all, that she had made many friends in the brief time she had been there, but was too shy to realize that she had built a following. It was only a week or so later that management announced her appointment as assistant vice president, manager of recruitment, selection and placement.Truthfully, she was a terrible teller trainee. She made many mistakes and it was not something she could hide or be proud of. In addition, she had no idea where she would be placed after her training. But management knew from the outset. The president of the association told her that, when they learned she was not particularly competent in the teller area, they left her there longer than usual so that she would know how placing someone in the wrong job could be so painful. But because they knew she had a sense of humor and laughed a lot, she would be well-placed in the human resources area.An illustration of how important social skills are in business? Yes! The difficulty of managing teams that are distributed across cultures? Yes! Casciaros research shows that the biggest impediment to likability is not caring. So if you just decide you want to be better," you probably will.Take responsibility for yourself, says Boston executive coach, Susan Hodgkinson. Everyone needs to know that they are responsible for creating healthy, productive relationships at work. No one is going to make you likable. The people who are likable actually care about other people and care about the connections they make.Think of this as project management synergy or resume empathy; you need to help others reach their goals.Usually,the reason we like someone is because we think they like us.Next week: Workplace-isms Helping to Define Office Culture.