oysters

 

Getting a spot at many of Portland’s restaurants during high season was a challenge even before Bon Appètit crowned our humble seaside home its Restaurant City of the Year. Now, mere days after the great, tourist-laden weight of that honor settled over the peninsula, it’s already getting harder.

Thankfully, there’s one Portland dining secret Bon Appètit didn’t let out of the bag. As wait lists stretch on and prices creep up beyond the point where people who actually live here can afford to go out, it will remain affordable (usually free!) and accessible, so long as you’ve got someone willing to share.

I am talking, of course, about eating pussy. Here are some tips for eating out like a real Portlander:

  1. Watch out for the (James) Beard Factor. Avoid the chafe of price inflation by staying in and sampling a different kind of regional flavor. But if you find that your/your partner’s facial hair causes some rug burn after oral, there are some solutions you can try. Using beard oil or other beard conditioning treatments can soften facial hair and minimize friction, and some folks also find that growing out their pubic hair can create a buffer between their skin and their partner’s beard.

  2. Let the Blue Rooster caw for someone else. When the cobblestones streets of the Old Port are stuffed with belligerent bachelor(ette) parties, try quelling your late-night munchies with a little carpet munching instead. Vaginal fluid is a much lower-calorie alternative to tater tots anyway.

  3. Respect the original oyster. Summer waits at Eventide can test even the most patient of foodies. But you know what else kind of looks like an oyster? Vulvas! Skip the line and try one today.

  4. Hit up your nearest dive. Has your favorite dive bar been overrun with tourists seeking a “local experience”? Try muff “dive”-ing instead! Just like any other kind of diving, sometimes breathing can get a little tricky. Adjusting the angle of your partner’s hips by putting a pillow or bolster under their butt can help you find a spot that’s both comfortable for them and leaves your airway clear for a relaxed dining experience.

  5. Explore downtown, Portland. The Old Port might be too crowded for your taste, but it’s not the only way to take things downtown. Explore the neighborhood around your partner’s clitoris, including their inner labia and the area around their vaginal opening, getting a feel for where things are and what feels good. You might even want to venture out into the sensitive skin of their inner thighs — there are some decent places on Outer Forest, after all.

As is the case with going out to eat in restaurants, health is a concern for many conscientious diners. There are some sexually transmitted infections that can be passed through oral sex on a vulva, so talk to your partner about your status before chowing down.

For added protection, you can also use a dental dam. Dental dams are thin, flexible layers of latex or polyurethane that create a barrier between your mouth and your partner’s vulva or anus during oral sex. They come in a variety of flavors and colors, so there are options for every palate. (Hot tip: Using a little dollop of lube on the receiving partner’s side of the dam can help increase sensation.)

Bon appètit, Portland.

Have a question for Kaylee? Email her at kayleewolfetwss@gmail.com and you may get an answer in a future edition of That’s What She Said.

Kaylee Wolfe is a sexuality educator, advocate for survivors of sexual and relationship violence, clinic escort, and birth doula. She thinks you should get tested.

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