Are you besieged by black flies? Do they wreak havoc with your outdoor plans? Do they, for six weeks every spring, make you wish you lived anywhere other than the most beautiful place on earth?

Friends, I have the solution. Put aside your views on my politics, my heresy, and as one particularly insightful reader recently brought to light, my fascism. Believe me, you want me nearby. Very. I'm possessed of superhuman magnetic qualities that, much like Sirens to sailors, have proven irresistible to the tiny bloodsuckers. Given the choice, they gravitate away from all other feeding sources and toward me.

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