Manners and More: The three 'languages' of effective communication

The following column is being reprinted from the May 25, 2005 issue of The Conway Daily Sun.Aware of it or not, as a human being you communicate who you are via at least three different languages: verbal," non-verbal," extra-verbal." Delve into the definitions of these forms of communication with M&M; compare them with how you believe you are seen by others in all of these modes. You may discover that some changes need to be made in one, two, even all three of these modes of informing the world of the person you think you are. Dont panic; it is easily done if you truly care enough to change. You would do well to select a partner to help you critique yourself; that is, if you receive his comments without taking umbrage at what he tells you. Instead, accept it as constructive criticism.First, verbal" communication is speech itself: Listen to yourself, have feedback on how you come across to others. Tone of voice, modulation, articulation, choice of words all come into play here. Dont fret whether or not it is proper grammar; do your best by displaying your sincerity and caring about the message itself.Second, non-verbal" communication. This is where the ever-popular term body language is appropriate. Recent studies examined the deleterious effects of poor posture and carriage on health as well as on human relations. The question asked: When did it become hip to hunch over? Perfect perky posture is out. The sag is in. And Its that vacuous look, that I dont have to pay attention or look interested in life look. Its not cool to care. So how, Dear Reader, do you react when approached by a practitioner of poor walking, sitting and standing habits? Does this person capture you; motivate you to want to know her? Not likely? Yesss! Not only is she courting health problems, shes closing herself off from stimulating conversation, growing intellectually and emotionally in a world that simply will not slow down to let her jump on unless she corrects her body language to become more inviting, interested and interesting.Dont overlook the fact that, for many adults, its the career, not the cool factor, contributing to the slouch. Slaving over a computer with a telephone tucked unergonomically between chin and ear, or hunch caveman-style over Blackberries or iPods. Its no wonder that back pain is the nations No. 1 cause of disability.One of the topics M&M covered with the high school students at Kennett last week was Walking, Sitting and Standing." Why? Because this can be communication at its best, without even one word spoken! Lips may be saying one thing while, at the same time, the body is negating the message, conveying the truth.Extra-verbal" communication refers primarily to facial expressions: a frown; a smile; a look of consternation, of disappointment, of sadness, of love, of anger. Actually, the eyes communicate moods as effectively as the facial muscles, sometimes even more.One of the most wonderful things in natureis a glance of the eye; it transcends speech;it is the bodily symbol of identity. Ralph Waldo EmersonFinally, M&M shares with you a personal experience that was launched several years ago when she had the pleasure of meeting a lovely lady at her church. The relationship continued to be nurtured with each encounter in varying environments. Only this week a conversation with the lady jelled in M&Ms mind the topic for this column. This handsome woman is the embodiment of all the positives of effective communication and human relations, and this is what was revealed to M&M: She joined the WAVES in World War II when she was 21 years old and was a radio operator. She met her future husband in the service; they were married and raised a family. She is now widowed and in her 80s. She has the erect bearing of a proud and self-contained woman; her demeanor is pleasant, gracious and approachable. She is always beautifully groomed and dressed. She displays a quiet inner glow yet appears to suppress a chuckle that plays around her lips. In essence, she is M&Ms nominee for the best verbal, non-verbal and extra-verbal role model around!Christine Kurtz-White can be reached at kurtzwhite@adelphia.net.