Portland Phoenix | If You Have to Drink Pumpkin Beers: These will do

(Interior – Food Science Laboratory) A white-coated mad scientist holds aloft a beaker filled with an orange liquid. Toxic vapors cascade from the top of the beaker, condensing and burning holes in the lab bench. Lightning sizzles outside as the scientist cracks a lopsided grin, breaking into a machine gun burst of maniacal laughter. “Preeeecious puuuuuumkin spiiiice. I'll mix a laboratory full of toxic chemicals and tell them it's the smell of autumn! The bloated masses will dump the caustic substance into their lattes, and post ironic social media content! They won’t know we use the same chemicals in “Autumn Scent” toilet cleaner and seasonal beverages! Meanwhile, the wretched substance will eat them from within! It will cook the very souls from their bodies!”

This week, loyal reader, is my least favorite week of the year. Worse than tax season and “Holiday Beer” season combined, the autumnal oozing of pumpkin beers into local retailers is a dark time for both the liver and the mind. While I was prepared to I’ll tough out these tastings for your edification, I was pleasantly surprised that though I hate pumpkin beers in general, this batch wasn’t half bad!