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Alright, students of Portland. You’ve spent the last week or so being completely overloaded with mandatory orientation sessions on plagiarism, class registration, and the dangers of binge drinking. You’ve made it through an unending series of name games and icebreakers and cringey evening programs designed to help you make friends with the other weirdos on your hall. But even after all that orienting, I’m sure there’s at least one question your RA hasn’t answered yet: How are you supposed to fuck in such a tiny, squeaky bed?

Experiencing the awkward indignity of getting your rocks off in a twin XL bed is a time-honored college tradition spanning generations. Here are a few basic tips to get you started.